I have been in locked inside my house in Valencia for 8 weeks and I am more or less ok. Some days there is not so much difference with my life before the crisis: I spend most of my time alone, I work, I do physical exercises and inner work to raise my energy level.
Last Sunday was the first day that children were allowed to go out again, for one hour, with one of the parents. It was so good to hear children’s voices in the street again, after living in a ghost town for so long.
I was very surprised to notice that on this day I suddenly became depressed.
I was reading a post on Facebook of a father who went to the beach with this son. He said that there were more police officers than children. One police officer got close, removed his face mask and told the father what he could and could not do. Building a sand castle together was not allowed. Playing with a ball was out of the question.
In my opinion this has nothing to do with the corona virus, and everything with excessive control.
I also read the reactions to this and other posts in Spanish Facebook groups. A lot of people were complaining about the behaviour of the children and their parents. People called the police to notify them that other people were standing too close to each other, or that some children were playing football. The word ‘irresponsible’ was trending topic on social media for most of the day.
It made me fell as if I am suddenly living in a dictatorship, with police officers controlling everyones behaviour on the streets, and self appointed secret police officers controlling the thoughts and behaviours of other people from their balconies and on the internet.
What made me depressed is not corona itself (which is bad enough), but that so many people react to this crisis by wanting to control the behaviour of other people, and that this suddenly has become acceptable.
I realise that it is all part of a trauma related response. People with trauma issues tend to scan their environment for possible signs of danger, and their automatic reaction is to fight, or to flee, or to freeze. This is the first time since the Second World War that our lives are at risk, and of course these coping mechanisms show up in full force. I can understand that.
I realise that my reaction to this behaviour is also trauma related. I have been living with too many people who want to control my behaviour – it is part of my trauma – and it pushes all my buttons. My reaction is to run away as fast as I can (flee), preferably after slamming some doors (fight). However, I can’t go anywhere at the moment, so I turn the negative emotions within and I become depressed.
I have problems when people try to control me and these last weeks have been a test. It made me think about freedom a lot. I notice where freedom is disappearing at an incredible speed: with the introduction of apps that can control your behaviour; with the official and often illegal policies that restrict the freedom of people; with everyone unfriending other people who have different opinions so that ‘freedom of speech’ becomes a hollow phrase.
I realise there is nothing I can do to stop this trend. I can’t control the behaviour of governments, police officers, institutions, or other people. Patriarchy and other power structures have been in place many centuries and they are not disappearing anytime soon. And because there is a lot of traumas in this world, there are also a lot of unconscious trauma-relaties reactions (that is, until we heal them).
So, should we just accept everything, and continue with our lives?
No, there is still hope for freedom. For me the best way to deal with oppression from the outside world is to look within, at my own dragons. This is where I will find my own liberation, when I am courageous enough to embrace my dragons and to do the scary things that my soul wants me to do: to find my own truth, and to express it freely, despite all my fears, and to live my life as I want to live it, with compassion for people who think and act differently than me.
I don’t want to fight the system, because by fighting it I will only make it stronger, and I will make myself very unhappy. But I do not give in to the pressure to conform to rules that are not mine. If I don’t have a choice because the police officers won’t allow me to go in the street, I will accept the unavoidable, and I will find my own freedom within this space, within myself.
I have been practicing this freedom for many years now. I have accepted that for many people I am an outcast, because I live differently from what other people find acceptable. The road to deal with all these fears of rejection has been a long one, but it has been worth it, because for me freedom is much more important than money will ever be.
I trust that when enough people find their own truth, and their own freedom, all our little waves will turn the biggest ship around, and we will create a new paradigm that will replace the old power structures. This is the hope that keeps me going.
And that is why I am opening up a space where we can follow our own heroine’s journey to our own freedom. We will start soon, on May 1st, so don’t wait too long and join us!